Proven Ways To Deal With Mansplaining
What Is Mansplaining?
This is something that most of us probably have already experienced. A situation wherein a man explains something, typically to a woman, in a condescending way, even though:
You didn't ask to be educated on the subject, or
You know as much (or more) on the subject than he does, or
He has no real subject matter knowledge and what he’s actually sharing is his unsolicited opinion.
If you’ve ever been mansplained, how did you deal with it?
In my earlier days as a television writer, I remember a male writer pitched a scene where the sole female character in the cast would be chained in a meat locker with her abusive ex-boyfriend, while he was having a psychotic episode. (We were working on a comedy show. To this guy, this scene was supposed to be funny.)
As the woman in the room, I raised the concern, that from the female character’s point of view, this scene would not be funny and more likely, terrifying.
The next thing I know, I'm being treated to an explanation about how I was wrong.
Though I was hired to lend my “female perspective” to the entirely male room (a cringe-worthy and losing proposition), in this man’s mind, he was the expert on comedy and the female experience.
Similarly, the women I coach are far enough in their careers, by mid-career they have deep subject matter expertise. And we articulate a brand so that they can be more effective and rewarded at work.
However, that didn’t exclude them from getting interrupted (often by a man), to opine on their area of expertise, correct them, or say exactly what they are in the process of saying.
And in working with over 600+ women at organizations ranging from startup to Fortune 100, I know the feelings that follow:
Annoyance. Frustration.
In some cases, it can make you feel so silenced, and you may even second guess your own opinion.
But the truth is, your experience shines at mid-career.
Mid-Career Is When Your Expertise Shines
Instead of spending precious time and energy defending, justifying, or deflecting pretenders to your turf, we are here to facilitate you being able to speak with authority and be celebrated and rewarded for your unique experience and expertise.
Because as long as there's a patriarchy, and we continue to raise boys with a sense of entitlement to and over women, it's going to be really hard to eradicate the underlying forces that contribute to mansplaining.
However, there are communication strategies that will help you along your journey to knowing and owning what you do best.
How To Manage Mansplaining
If I could go back to the past, here’s what I would do:
Be clear on your brand/expertise
Communicate that brand/expertise effectively
Hold your own when your expertise is challenged
Be clear on your brand/expertise
If you don't know what you're great at, it will be much harder for people–men and women–to know when they're cannonballing into your expertise pool.
Knowing yourself and defining what you want to be known for at work is an effort everyone can and should do. Without it, we open the door to having people genuinely not know what you're about. Especially if you're changing your brand but you haven't communicated that yet.
This is knowing each component of your value proposition:
What you do
Who you do it for
What type of organization you help
What results you get the people or organization you serve
Example: I help ambitious mid-career women and the organizations that support them grow into leadership roles through group programming, workshops, and talks.
Communicate that brand/expertise effectively
Once you know your value proposition, get it out there:
Talk about it to leadership, in one-on-ones.
Bring up what you're great at in team meetings
When pitching yourself for a team or a project.
And in action, this looks like volunteering for projects and meetings and taking on the responsibilities that align with your clearly articulated brand.
When talking about it, frame it as a benefit to the people that you're working with.
If your boss is all about getting a new product off the ground this quarter, then every time you talk with them, think of ways your value proposition can contribute to getting that new product off the ground and bring them those suggestions!
Hold your own when your expertise is challenged
Even with the best-laid plans and the clearest brand ever, you may still encounter mansplaining. On those occasions, it'll be helpful to have a few indirect and direct back-pocket tactics:
Refocus
If you notice someone interrupting or habitually taking more airtime in meetings, here’s what you can say:
“Good point, Bob. Before moving on to that, I'd like to return to what Shira was saying.”
Humor
If you can pull off sassy with a wink and a smile, you can say:
“Now Ray, you know I love the sound of my own voice as much as you do, so give me just one more second to finish my solo before I let you continue.”
Clap Back
If it's time to push back, you can say:
“Kip, I appreciate your perspective, and I’m happy to address it when I’ve finished my point.”
“Derek, I am not sure if we’ve had a chance to talk about it, but let me share more about the background I’m drawing on to take this position.”
“Dave! so glad you're picking up the work I've done on [whatever your area of expertise is]. So continuing with that, I'd like to say…”
Call a One-on-One Meeting
If it’s not getting through to him and there’s a chance he’s genuinely clueless (and yes, there’s always a good chance), you can say:
“Henry, I am so appreciative of your time and tremendous leadership in our group. I’m also noticing a pattern I’d like to work through together. [Name the pattern and why you’re the authority]. Are you aware this is happening?”
If you found this topic helpful and you want learn more about workplace communication, read the blog post “A Stupid Easy Way To Build Rapport”. In it, you’ll learn about the 2 powerful tips to help you build immediate connection with your boss, the people on your team, and other stakeholders.
And for more career advancement and leadership topics that are tailored specifically for mid-career women, read more blogs that's not only relevant to you, but will never mansplain what you already know.